An Alternative View of NAMA
An Alternative View of NAMA
Attention all bankrupt developers, brainless businessmen and overweight (now unemployed) Fianna Fáil politicians; there may be an answer to your troubles. The answer is ‘Thrift’. Dublin’s hottest and hippest new ‘members only club’ is under now the patronage of NAMA (National Affluence Management Agency). Only Ireland’s former jet-set need apply.
You won’t need money here, the National Affluence Management Agency have it covered. Your debts, disputes and due diligence will be taken care of. All you have to worry about is which cocktail to have next. Under the soft lighting and to the beat of your in-house DJ (‘Billy’ O’Dea), you can dance the night away.
On invitation and entry, the weight of your worries and woes are taken off your shoulders by our professional team of lifestyle co-ordinators (Liquidation Accountants). Failing business ventures like the ‘glass bottle site’ or the stress of paying the mortgage on one’s fifth holiday home in St. Tropez are whisked away into state ownership. We look after our members. With four floors of fun and frolics at our Kildare Street branch you could be hanging with out Brian ‘Dowen’, or even Seánie Fitzpatrick. There are even some shady corners in which our Clients have the opportunity to meet Bankers and finance their next doomed venture.
Membership includes ‘access all areas’ to Dáil Eireann, complimentary use of the Dáil Bar and the State Cars Scheme. For Gold Members (those with debts of over €100 million or more), a special Thrift loyalty card is provided free of charge. This special ATM card give you 100% cash withdrawal with no repayments, and reductions of 50% at Brown Thomas. It’ll be like the good old days, except you won’t have to pay for it. The Irish taxpayer will. After all, we wouldn’t want our ‘Captains of Industry’ to experience any hardship…
What’s that you say? There must be a catch. Hidden interest rates? Sneaky Stealth taxes? Of course not, these are reserved for the overworked, unappreciated civil servants who loyally serve our country. Our best and brightest deserve to be sheltered from the brunt of our economic re-adjustments. Special efforts have been made to ensure that the monetary ‘scum’ of the IMF and the ECB are left outside. Olli Rehn, Ajai Chopra and the Brussels crew are permanently barred. At Thrift, you can rest easy. Take another sip of champagne, you deserve it.
Heaven help you if you aren’t successful enough to make it into NAMA. Debts of over 1 million are a requirement. God forbid you would have to worry about spiralling interest rates at a commoner’s bank such as AIB. Nowadays, there is only one thing on the minds of the social climbers of Ireland’s elite; “How can I get into NAMA?” It has become a social obligation in various leafy suburbs of South Dublin, with close to 70% of Foxrock residents claiming they have had some of their assets seized.
“It’s this generation’s aspiration” says a concerned, pushy mother.
“In my day we had Blinker’s and Flamingo’s, now all the kids want to do is go to Thrift… I can’t say I blame them, getting a trophy husband is so hard these days. I suppose bankrupting oneself is the only viable option of having a decent standard of living.”
The ‘comfortably’ affluent private schools of South Dublin have abandoned the SEC curriculum in economics and adopted their own programme of study. ‘Asset management’ is been made obligatory in Searock College. This fastrack to governmental support drills students in 100% mortgages and reckless trading. The director of studies at the college, Mr. Morris believes that “Almost everyone is in NAMA these days, sure it’s almost an embarrassment not to be in it. All my life, I’ve been riddled with debts and arrears. I even had to throw all my money into the Bank of Ireland there. I’m not even in NAMA, I just can’t stop repaying my mortgage fast enough. I believe that giving our students the best shot in the real world is important, and that is why we are running our Asset Mismanagement course.” Applications to Searock College have risen by 400%.
So what to do? Like most of us, we don’t have enough money to embark on a multi-million business disaster, yet there are some vital funds in the kitty. Take my advice; the more reckless you are, the better. Brian ‘Dowen’s’ drunken appearances on National Radio may have been scandalous, but they were not cost-effective enough. We want emergency liquidations, not a warning of receivership! Withdraw your money from the Bank, and spend it on the most frivolous things you can find; Diamond encrusted cupcakes, University Educations, or shares in Anglo-Irish Bank. Spend like there’s no tomorrow, or today. Fill Mary ‘Marney’s’ fridge, pay for Anne ‘Coyle’s’ next facelift, donate money to the Fine Gael/Labour coalition. Provide, Provide! There’s many fast ways to get rid of your hard earned cash. Before long, you’ll be living it up with the heroes of our generation, in the land of milk and honey. Or at Thrift, in the land of silks and money…
We all have to make big sacrifices to pull ourselves out of the metaphorical hole that the country is in. So pull up your Calvin Klein cashmere socks, and dust off your Dolce & Gabbana suits, it’s time to get Thrifty!
John McCarrick
John McCarrick and Associates
11 Dunville Avenue, Rathmines
Dublin 6,Ireland
Telephone:01 4960102
Fax: 01 4973717
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